Paying Compliments
Friday, September 10, 2010 at 5:37AM I love compliments. I love to give and receive them. They could be direct or indirect. They could be towards physical appearance, a pattern of behaviour, a specific action, or for an outcome. In any case, I like them. I like them because underlying the compliments there is a clear message of love and of giving.
When I tell you that you look amazing today, it's from a space of happiness. It usually means I'm in a joyful state of mind, which allows me to see how beautiful you are, and I want to share this blissful feeling with you by showing you that I notice the true essence within you.
When someone tells me that the cake I made was the best cake that they ever had, I feel proud as it feels like I'm achieving one of my goals, namely, to make people realise that healthy/raw/vegan food can also taste delicious.
When a compliment is given to someone for their behaviour or action, then it might be a different story. It is mainly to do with the intention of the compliment. When it is given out of pure excitement and joy – it's one thing. However sometimes it's given from the intention of making the other person repeat that liked behaviour, turning the compliment into Positive Reinforcement.
Positive reinforcement is considered to be a very good educational tool and a mean to get your loved ones do what you want them to do. Up until a couple of hours ago I was thinking the same, too. Now a conversation with my brother made me reconsider my views around it.
Positive reinforcement has less to do with education, and it's actually a form of taming. When I'm giving someone positive reinforcement, I'm giving positive attention, which most people translate to a message of love. Or in other words – most people take it personally. And that interpretation can cause them to think that if they didn't repeat what I like, I might not like them as much. So I'm literally taming them to repeat what I liked – if they do it again, I'll show my appreciation again. And in some occasions they might feel some pressure – what if they can't do it again? Will I not like them as much? Hence fear of not being appreciated can trigger them to repeat that action which I liked.
I think this concept is really interesting as I usually give compliments just because I ENJOY them, however I do find myself giving positive reinforcement every now and then, too. I want to be more aware of this as I rather make all of the people dearest to my heart know:
I LOVE YOU regardless of what and how you make me feel, I TRUST YOU and know you do the very best you can in any given moment.
Reader Comments (2)
Yes true, and it seems to be subtle. There is a difference between love (with conditions) and unconditional love without conditions. I once imagined that I was unconditional (about 2 weeks) but I don't imagine that anymore. But it is an ideal that I am going for.
Good post today, and enjoyed the video. We all need to show more love I think!